Ever since my daughter was born ( probably before that but due to no responsibility and alcohol at the ready so i never noticed), I’ve been fighting with my inner demons and hitting random patches of depression. Most of the time I’m on this “i love life and i cant wait to see where it takes me” high and I’m all laughs and smiles and stupid jokes. Trust me, i make some stupid ass jokes. Unfortunately, as of lately I cant seem to get myself out of this “funk”…its just there and i cant get out of my own head.
I’m not good enough or I’m not pretty enough or maybe i should just grab Vaeh and run away so no one has to deal with me anymore. The thoughts never stop and i can never seem to get them organized well enough to control them. I hurt deeply from my past and every time i take 2 steps forward in life i get knocked 3 back. I’m going no where and I’m getting there fast.
I have an amazing group of friends who i would do anything for and a family that loves me, but none of that really matters when i feel like a burden or that weird kid who tries to sit at the cool table in the cafeteria. Who needs to deal with someone who cries herself to sleep at night? Who needs a friend who cant stop psyching herself out on every aspect of her own life? Why should my family have to keep looking at me while im at rock bottom? The looks they give me, or the conversations i overhear or the “talks” i get from them rip me up inside. I know they want to help but they cant help me if my brain wont help its self.
I have this guy who seems to be totally infatuated (is that the right word?) with me and he seems to love everything about me. I mean come the f**k on, he noticed my lisp and absolutely adores it. Who is this guy and where the hell has he been? But something is missing or something is off because i cant seem to tell myself that its ok to open up. Not let the wall down, but open up and yes there are differences. The main problem is hes moving back home to Cali in a year…i don’t even know how to handle the situation. Do i say screw it and start something with this guy knowing i cant go with him, or do i just walk away now and protect myself from feeling heartbreak (again) a year from now?
These mood swings I have cause me to snap at the people i care about the most because I have no way to release the stress and anger and sadness i have pent up. I yell at my daughter over the stupidest shit and then i cry because i yelled at her. So she threw my phone across the room and slammed onto the hardwood floor screen side down… that gave me no right to scream at her ” what is wrong with you?”. I hate myself more and more everyday.
What if one day i were to just not be here? Would anyone miss me? Would anyone care? I know i wouldn’t…..