The pain and struggle still exist

If you had told me five years ago that at 22 I would have a job one day a week, living with my mom after I lost my apartment, neck deep in debt, and a single mother… I would’ve laughed in your face; but that’s where I’m at. My life went downhill fast and hard, kind of like an avalanche but instead of snow it was everything in my world that was stable. I lost both of my jobs, my friends, my family’s respect and my dignity.

I guess I should start off the story at the beginning so you can see where my life decided to say “F You”. January 2011,I was 19, my boyfriend (of 14mo) and I had just broken up due to a difference of future goals. He wanted to settle down and get married and live the life his parent were living, who by the way were unhappy in their marriage. I wanted to join the peace corps, see the world, and make a difference before having starting a family.

I dyed my hair pink, I started partying, I wouldn’t go home for days on end, and did a few things I wasn’t proud of. I ran into an old friend that I hadn’t seen in years, one thing led to another and three months later we were dating and living together (my home life was far from perfect). I was working two jobs like I had been since I was 15, I was fighting with my mom and in a brand new relationship with a guy who, besides the record, seemed perfect. He said all the right things, did the right things, and treated me like a princess. Something changed all of a sudden. He went thru my Facebook when I was at work and yelling at me for stuff I said to people before we started dating, going thru my phone and deleting guys, and telling me to delete my Facebook. I couldn’t wear certain clothes, couldn’t go anywhere without having a curfew or being checked up on, couldn’t talk to guys (which is hard to do being a server) and all money I made went to things he needed, I even over drafted on my bank account because he needed the money. Things weren’t looking so good but he had brought me down so much in four months that I felt close to worthless and that our problems were my fault. Now four months into this thing we called a relationship I discover I’m pregnant and my world came crashing down around me. I’m 19years old, unmarried, in a toxic relationship, against abortion and unable to carry a child for nine months then give it up for adoption. I had secretly wished for a miscarriage because I couldn’t see anything positive coming out of this horrible situation I was now in. I have always wanted to be a mom and have a family but not now and not like this. In the next nine months we moved three times, put all the bills in my name and only put my name on the $968/mo lease for the apartment. I was working 80+hrs a week,pregnant, for $8.05/hr, as a cashier while my boyfriend stayed at home and did nothing all day but eat, play video games, smoke and neglect the dog. We never had enough for rent because he always needed the money for something “more important”, thank god for his mom. We fought everyday about something and it was always my fault. It was my fault the trash wasn’t taken out, or the dishes weren’t done, or I was cheating because he caught me talking to a customer, or I was flirting with our room-mate(who lived on the couch in my one bedroom apartment for less then 1/3 of the rent) because I smiled and said hello when he walked in the apartment. To my boyfriend I was a bad girlfriend and I needed to changed the way I was to make him happy. So I did. I changed everything about myself to make him happy and a part of me died everyday. He was never happy. It got physically and verbally abusive. He lied, he stole, he cheated, and he took advantage of me like I was his property. After we lost the partner we loved in with his parents because he told me things would get better and he loved me. At this point I have a beautiful 6mo old girl who is my life, my soul, and every ounce of love I have in my body. After living with his parents for about 4mo, I find out after the Super Bowl (go Ravens!!!) that he had been cheating on me and talking trash about me to everyone, he even referred to me as Vaehs mom. I took a stand and moved out and went back home to my moms. A year later I’m still depressed and lack self confidence but I feel like myself again. I wake up trying to be the best single mother I can be and I don’t let anyone control me anymore. Her father and I are on good terms now( we were always better friends then bf/gf) and other then my daughter going to her grandmothers 1 Saturday a month I have her full time. I’m struggling, I’m still in debt, I still have trust issues, and I have a problem letting my walls down but I’m growing.